How to Move On(wards and Upwards!)

Another Top Sante article, another BIG topic, and another request for coachy advice from yours truly very gratefully received! This article was published in the September 2011 issue of the magazine and was
entitled ‘How to Move on from Absolutely Anything’, a title I thought
particularly fitting for a blog named ‘Onwards and Upwards’, so I thought I’d share my unedited ideas on the subject for you lovely blog readers.

The subheading ran ‘A close bereavement, a broken relationship or a sudden redundancy – no matter how great the loss, you can get through it. Here’s how…’ (See what I mean?! There are BOOKS written on this stuff, and they still manage to cover the basics in 2 pages. You have to hand it to them!) With that rubric in mind, here’s my advice:

• Take responsibility. It’s very easy to look around for someone or something to blame when disaster strikes, but ultimately that’s just a waste of energy and time, and it gives away your power (not to  mention your sense of being able to take charge of things). Even if someone else IS responsible for the situation you find yourself in, YOU are responsible for how YOU feel about it and what choices YOU make from that point on. Channel your energy away from negative feelings towards taking positive action to make the best move forward.
• Give yourself some perspective. 2 clichés spring to mind here: ‘time is a great healer’ and ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’. You probably know from experience that these are true, but it can be very difficult getting a sense of perspective when you are smack bang in the middle of a crisis. One way to see your situation through new eyes is to write yourself a letter from the future. Date it a year or more from now and write it as the successful future you. In it, tell the you that’s in crisis how different and wonderful your life is going to be and detail all the fantastic positive spin offs that happened as a result of this perceived calamity. Looking ‘back’ on your situation will boost your morale and remind you that happier times WILL be ahead. If that doesn’t appeal, another way to get a different perspective is to write a letter to a much-loved friend, imagining they’re in the same situation as you and giving your best advice and encouragement.
• Allow yourself to feel rubbish for a while. I know this seems very un-coachy, but when bad stuff happens, it’s normal to feel upset, and putting yourself under more pressure to cheer up or put on a brave
  face sometimes adds to the hurt. Give yourself some grieving time when you allow yourself to cry, rant and rave. Vent your feelings to a close friend or in a journal. Also, give yourself the ‘Fluffy Slipper Camp’ treatment – this is the polar opposite of Boot Camp. Set aside an evening, day or weekend and spoil yourself with hot chocolate, your favourite DVD boxset and an early night or two. This is NOT the same as ‘wallowing in it’. Set yourself a date to come back out and join the rest of the world with a smile, but make sure you still allow some time every day to journal or talk through your sadder thoughts until they subside.
• Take baby steps. When a crisis hits, the ‘to-do’ list it creates can seem overwhelming, especially when you’re reeling emotionally. Remember you don’t have to do it all in one go. Each day, take a small action towards rebuilding your life the way you want it to be. It could be as simple as looking at the jobs page in the local newspaper or  meeting up for a coffee with one of the mums from the school gate. Write down what you did – aim for one a day (however small) – and celebrate it. You’re paving the way to your new future!
• Surround yourself with support. When you’re going through a difficult time, it’s great to enlist the help of a support group or online forum where you can meet lots of other people in the same boat. These kinds of support are wonderful in that they are specific to your problem so the others taking part have empathy and can sometimes mentor you through with ‘been there, done that’ good advice. They also give you the opportunity to support others, giving you the chance to get that change of perspective discussed above. A note of caution, however – don’t immerse yourself completely in that world or you could find yourself out of touch with everyone and everything else. Balance is key.

Do you need some extra support in moving on from something? Give me a call on 01903 244747 or drop me an email (claire(at)straightforwardcoaching(dot)com) and let’s have a chat to see whether coaching might help you.

Some advice on… giving advice!

A little while back, I was called by a journalist to offer some pearls of wisdom on the subject of giving advice (you have to hand it to these magazines for fitting BIG subjects into itty bitty articles…).

The premise for the article was to give guidelines for the reader to follow when asked for advice whatever the issue is, from a bereavement or illness to a missed promotion.

Now the article is published and out (Top Sante, June 2011, p75), but my contribution has been edited down, so I thought I’d share with you, at more length, the thoughts I’d had for the piece. To avoid the clumsy he/she stuff, I’ve plumped for the girls this time, but it’s equally applicable for guys (sorry guys – don’t take it personally!):

• Most important of all – is your friend actually asking for your advice? It may be that you feel a need to ‘fix’ the situation and that you feel you need to give your two pennyworth but it could be that she simply wants to rant/vent/cry/be listened to. Stay quiet. Stay strong. Make tea. Make more tea. Trust the healing power of silence and resist the urge to fill in the gaps with talk. Your presence is needed, not your words. If you want to do something, give her a hug (if this comes naturally and it’s appropriate of course). Be a rock for her to cling to in a stormy sea, not another wave battering her with opinions and advice. She IS asking for advice? OK then, the following should help (but err on the side of silence if in doubt…):
• There’s a great quote I heard recently (though I can’t find any attribution for it): “A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you’ve forgotten the words.” In a crisis, it can be easy to lose ourselves among the drama. Remind your friend of her strengths, qualities and the values she stands for, e.g. ‘I know you’re feeling low right now, but you light up in a group – shall we invite some of the girls and go for a night out?’, ‘It’s really sad about your redundancy. A very good job you’re such a natural networker – that’ll really come in handy now’, ‘I know starting your own company feels like a big risk but you’re determined and a real hard worker and I know you can do it’. Think of a time they triumphed over adversity before and drop it in to the conversation.
• …but don’t remind her of past failures or point out negative traits ‘Move jobs? But you’re rubbish with change, remember?’, ‘well you COULD move in with him, but don’t freak him out like you did with the last one’
• If appropriate, offer to role play the boss / boyfriend / hairdresser / interviewer so that she can vent / practice what she wants to say.
• If you’re burning to suggest a course of action, frame it as an option for her, i.e. ‘have you considered…’ or ‘here’s a thought…’; not ‘if I were you..’ or ‘you should’, which is just imposing your viewpoint and not honouring her choice of action.
• In a situation where there are two or more possibilities for action and your friend can’t decide, ask her to imagine she has taken each option in turn and to notice what has changed and how she feels. Sometimes, it’s easy to get stuck at a ‘before the decision’ point, and changing the view can make a big difference.
• Encourage her to use her network, and suggest anyone from yours if appropriate. ‘Who do you know who…?’ questions can reap big rewards in all sorts of situations.
• In a bad situation, gently ask her if there are any silver linings to this cloud – what opportunities could arise now? For instance, losing out on that job could be just the push she needs to pursue her dream of striking out on her own and starting that company she always dreamed of.
• Never, ever, EVER gossip about your friend’s situation or her reaction to it. It’s nobody’s business but hers, and she trusts you enough to share it with you. That does not give you the right to share it with others and it will always destroy the trust and good feeling that you have built up between you.
• Remember that your friend is strong and capable. Hold her in that space, even if she’s feeling fragile right now. Remind her of her resourcefulness and let her take all the credit for the success she goes on to have (even if it was your suggestion…;-))
• Finally, don’t be discouraged if your friend doesn’t change or cheer up, despite your best advice and distraction efforts. You can’t ‘fix’ another person, you can only be there for her whilst she works things out for herself, and that might be on a totally different timescale from the one you had in your head. Ultimately, everyone is responsible for their own actions (and that includes whether or not they follow your advice).