How to ‘win’ Christmas and still be smiling mid-January

Love it or hate it, there’s no way you can ignore Christmas. From mid October, we are subject to a constant slew of advertising messages, telling us how perfect our lives will be if we would only buy X, and how happy and fulfilled our kids would be if they received Y under the tree this year. Even the most grounded amongst us will admit to an occasional wobble if they don’t have a roaring log fire in an oak-panelled room with an 8 foot tree, a table groaning with homemade mince pies and mulled wine, children fit for the John Lewis ad, the perfect present bought and wrapped for everyone, snow billowing against the windows and an organic, corn fed monster of a turkey roasting in the oven…

…and… breathe!

Here are some tips to surviving – and enjoying – Christmas and for starting the New Year as you mean to go on:

November – December

• Take the pressure off yourself. Chances are, it won’t be like it is in the adverts. But that’s someone else’s idea anyway. What’s your version of the ideal Christmas? Take time to think about your own favourite Christmas memories. They’re probably mostly not gift related. Write them down and think about what made them so special. How can that be recreated? It might be about time spent with people, not money spent on them, for example.
• Delegate! There isn’t a big medal for doing everything yourself, so why not share out gift buying, card writing, present wrapping, house preparing and cooking tasks with your partner, children or even guests? That gives YOU the chance to enjoy yourself too, and (most!)people generally like to feel helpful. It’s no fun being a Christmas martyr, and no fun being around one either.
• Use the internet. Yes, the idea of carefully selecting personal gifts whilst wrapped up in your snuggliest woollies in a snow-dusted Christmas market is a beautiful one. But often the reality is trudging along a drizzly, grey, overcrowded high street, grabbing whatever 3 for 2s haven’t sold out yet. So make yourself a list, pour yourself a drink and investigate what’s out there in cyberspace. You don’t have to stick to the old favourites such as amazon – try folksy.com for handmade, unusual items, or get experience vouchers from redletterdays.co.uk. You can even club together online with friends or family to buy a special, bigger gift at shareagift.com.
• If you’re looking for an innovative and inspiring gift, how about giving a voucher for my Rock Your Resolutions mini course? 😉
• Keep costs down but creativity up. Challenge your friends and/or family to spend just £5 on each person’s present. You can trawl your local charity shops, put together little hampers of sweets, or knit them a scarf but it has to be under that fiver! Fun and frugal.
• Look after yourself. There’s so much rich food and alcohol going around at this time of year, and that’s great, but don’t overstock your house with it so that you end up eating it constantly. Buy in some treats, for sure, but remember that dates and satsumas are as Christmassy as chocolates. And brisk walks in the fresh air will boost your mood. You’ll feel so much more energetic, as well as giving your body a better chance of fighting off any bugs going round. And you’ll be very glad of it in the harsh light of New Year’s Day morning…
• Make space. Christmas inevitably involves a large influx of ‘stuff’, be it presents or visiting in-laws(!), so now is the perfect time to have a clear out in preparation. And if you do it early enough, you can make some money from your clear out on eBay to go towards the present
  fund! Why not join in a Throw Out Thursday on the Straightforward Coaching facebook page to get some support?

January

• Pass on unwanted Christmas gifts with love and gratitude; don’t hang on to them with guilt. Exchange them, sell them or give them away, but don’t let them take up space in your house or your head.
• A new year dawning can bring on the post-feast guilt like nothing else. But, however much of a good idea it may seem, don’t start a full-on detox on New Year’s Day. By all means cut back on the treats and up the fruit and veg count, but too big a change too quickly is almost  always doomed to failure. Make your good intentions sustainable.
• Dark and chilly evenings or rainy January weekends don’t have to be a dead loss. Times like these are perfect for batch cooking warming soups and stews or baking bread. Bung them in the freezer and they’ll be ready for you whenever you want a healthy, homecooked dinner but you just don’t have the time or the inclination to cook from scratch.
• New Year is famously a time for resolutions and new beginnings. That’s great, but remember it can also be very dark and gloomy too so don’t be too hard on yourself with the turning over of new leaves! Be realistic and give yourself some time – see the whole year as a work in progress and don’t expect to be totally sorted by January 2^nd. Join in on my Rock Your Resolutions mini course and set realistic, exciting and achievable aims for 2012.
• Get out whenever you can. Fresh air, however chilly, will make you feel better as it blows away the cobwebs. Walk or cycle instead of taking the car for short journeys – you’ll feel better, look better and save money too. Result!

Keep it real and be kind to yourself throughout the run-up, the event itself and its aftermath. Have fun, and remember it’s just another day to be lived from your heart, not stage managed to an anonymous ad-man’s fickle prescription!

Cheers!

How to Move On(wards and Upwards!)

Another Top Sante article, another BIG topic, and another request for coachy advice from yours truly very gratefully received! This article was published in the September 2011 issue of the magazine and was
entitled ‘How to Move on from Absolutely Anything’, a title I thought
particularly fitting for a blog named ‘Onwards and Upwards’, so I thought I’d share my unedited ideas on the subject for you lovely blog readers.

The subheading ran ‘A close bereavement, a broken relationship or a sudden redundancy – no matter how great the loss, you can get through it. Here’s how…’ (See what I mean?! There are BOOKS written on this stuff, and they still manage to cover the basics in 2 pages. You have to hand it to them!) With that rubric in mind, here’s my advice:

• Take responsibility. It’s very easy to look around for someone or something to blame when disaster strikes, but ultimately that’s just a waste of energy and time, and it gives away your power (not to  mention your sense of being able to take charge of things). Even if someone else IS responsible for the situation you find yourself in, YOU are responsible for how YOU feel about it and what choices YOU make from that point on. Channel your energy away from negative feelings towards taking positive action to make the best move forward.
• Give yourself some perspective. 2 clichés spring to mind here: ‘time is a great healer’ and ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’. You probably know from experience that these are true, but it can be very difficult getting a sense of perspective when you are smack bang in the middle of a crisis. One way to see your situation through new eyes is to write yourself a letter from the future. Date it a year or more from now and write it as the successful future you. In it, tell the you that’s in crisis how different and wonderful your life is going to be and detail all the fantastic positive spin offs that happened as a result of this perceived calamity. Looking ‘back’ on your situation will boost your morale and remind you that happier times WILL be ahead. If that doesn’t appeal, another way to get a different perspective is to write a letter to a much-loved friend, imagining they’re in the same situation as you and giving your best advice and encouragement.
• Allow yourself to feel rubbish for a while. I know this seems very un-coachy, but when bad stuff happens, it’s normal to feel upset, and putting yourself under more pressure to cheer up or put on a brave
  face sometimes adds to the hurt. Give yourself some grieving time when you allow yourself to cry, rant and rave. Vent your feelings to a close friend or in a journal. Also, give yourself the ‘Fluffy Slipper Camp’ treatment – this is the polar opposite of Boot Camp. Set aside an evening, day or weekend and spoil yourself with hot chocolate, your favourite DVD boxset and an early night or two. This is NOT the same as ‘wallowing in it’. Set yourself a date to come back out and join the rest of the world with a smile, but make sure you still allow some time every day to journal or talk through your sadder thoughts until they subside.
• Take baby steps. When a crisis hits, the ‘to-do’ list it creates can seem overwhelming, especially when you’re reeling emotionally. Remember you don’t have to do it all in one go. Each day, take a small action towards rebuilding your life the way you want it to be. It could be as simple as looking at the jobs page in the local newspaper or  meeting up for a coffee with one of the mums from the school gate. Write down what you did – aim for one a day (however small) – and celebrate it. You’re paving the way to your new future!
• Surround yourself with support. When you’re going through a difficult time, it’s great to enlist the help of a support group or online forum where you can meet lots of other people in the same boat. These kinds of support are wonderful in that they are specific to your problem so the others taking part have empathy and can sometimes mentor you through with ‘been there, done that’ good advice. They also give you the opportunity to support others, giving you the chance to get that change of perspective discussed above. A note of caution, however – don’t immerse yourself completely in that world or you could find yourself out of touch with everyone and everything else. Balance is key.

Do you need some extra support in moving on from something? Give me a call on 01903 244747 or drop me an email (claire(at)straightforwardcoaching(dot)com) and let’s have a chat to see whether coaching might help you.

On Being a Grown Up

The other day (probably shortly after being berated for some misdemeanour, I can’t quite remember), my nine year old daughter Emika grumped, “I wish I was a grown up.”

Being not only a grown-up, but a pedantic grown-up, it took me until halfway through my five minute lecture on the correct use of the subjunctive (‘I wish I WERE…’) to think to ask her WHY she so aspired to adulthood.

“Because grown-ups can do anything they want!” she harrumphed.

Now, being more in harassed mummy mode than sage life coach mode at the time (yes, it does happen now and again), I confess that my initial reaction was to harrumph back about paying bills, shouldering responsibilities and the like. However, once we had sat down on a bench together, ice creams in hand, it occurred to me that she was right:

GROWN UPS CAN DO ANYTHING THEY WANT.

Think about that for a moment. Maybe view your life from the eyes of a child. You can drive a car! Stay up past 8 o’clock! Go out on your own! Eat chocolate whenever you want! You can do whatever you want, whenever you want. How does it feel? Free? But actually quite scary? For most people, there’s quite a lot of fear attached to the concept of freedom, however attractive it seems on first consideration.

And here’s how we tend to deal with that fear as grown-ups: we build ourselves cages of rules and beliefs and we let our self-made cages restrict our freedom so that it feels more manageable.

Because here’s the deal – we don’t HAVE to get up and go to work, pay the bills, take the dog for a walk or do the washing up. Sure, there are consequences to our actions (or inactions), but we can choose to face them. Obviously, the choice to drive whilst drunk and the choice to leave the washing up undone are going to incur consequences vastly different in severity, but the point is the same – we CHOOSE to do or not do all the time, every day. The choice may be an obvious one, but it is still a choice.

We can choose to do anything we want.

Of course, I’m not advocating that everyone starts breaking the law, causing others to suffer or making reckless, unsustainable changes to their lives. There are workaday things which need to be done in order to oil the wheels of our bigger dreams, and these bigger dreams are the sort of positive consequences it’s exciting to make our choices towards.

So, starting today, make a conscious choice out of the things you ‘have to’ do. CHOOSE to get up, to take the dog out, to wash the dishes. Liberate yourself from the ‘have-tos’ and enjoy the tantalising freedom of choosing what to do from moment to moment, knowing you’re on your way to fulfilling your bigger dreams. Have fun, then dare to make your choices more audacious. Choose to speak your mind instead of quietly agreeing with the boss at your next meeting, choose to strike out on your own, to do that course you’ve always wanted to, to ask that person out… Break out of your cage of limitations.

Because hey, we’re grown-ups and we can do anything we want. And that includes the washing up.

Ready to choose coaching? Email me today (claire@straightforwardcoaching.com) and let’s start a conversation. September sessions are booking up now – will you choose to take the leap and book one for yourself?

And how about choosing to join my mailing list to get this blog and assorted wonderfulness direct to your inbox on a regular (but not annoyingly so) basis? Sign up here…

…Or choosing to come along and join the party by ‘liking’ my Facebook page? See you there!

Saying ‘no’ with style to would-be borrowers

I was recently approached by a journalist from Prima magazine, to contribute to an article on saying ‘no’. She asked me what life coachy things I had to say about when friends want to borrow something that you don’t want to lend.

The whole article is out in this month’s issue (August 2009) – on p54, if you’re interested – but space dictated that my contribution had to be heavily edited. However, for you lovely readers of O&U, here is my contribution in full:

• Many people (myself included until quite recently) labour under the impression that there is a need to explain yourself when saying no. It’s fantastically liberating when you realise that you really don’t have to explain. Not at all. Of course, if pressed, you can choose to explain yourself, but it’s still not an obligation. Armed with this knowledge, you transform yourself overnight from a stuttering, embarrassed person with a tendency to fib for England into a cool, assertive and confident chick – ‘oh, er, um, I can’t lend you that dress, er, because, um, my sister’s borrowing that night and, er, for the next fortnight’ [exits backwards, red-faced], becomes ‘I hope you understand, but I’d really rather not.’ [flash of charming smile and a swift change of subject]

 

• If you find that you do want to explain, keep it general and not personal. My friend Tess, a props maker, found herself continually lending tools out and having them returned in a less-than-perfect condition. Eventually, she decided on a ‘no-lend’ policy and, when pressed, would explain that she’d had a few problems in the past with lending items which had sometimes compromised her friendship with the borrowers so now she prefers not to lend at all. No names named, and it does the job perfectly.

 

• Check in with yourself before responding, if you have the opportunity. What’s that irritation actually about? Has this friend let you down before when she borrowed something, or are you tarring her with the same brush as your less reliable acquaintances? Is it that she wants to borrow something very precious to you? You can say no! Or maybe this is about you feeling that you’re always bailing people out or that you’re rather unfairly being leant on? Maybe this is a symptom then of your friendship, or of your own view of yourself, both of which are issues that you can work on. It might be that, on reflection, you decide that the lend is not as much of a problem as you first thought (but if it is still a source of irritation and you decide not to do it, that’s ok too!)

 

•  You could attach conditions for the lend, if it makes it more acceptable to you e.g that the item is dry-cleaned / returned by Tuesday / that any ‘consumables’ used are replaced (like tape in video cameras or similar). Similarly, you could try reciprocation e.g ‘of course you can borrow my camera – could I ask a favour in return and borrow that novel you were raving about last week?’, or ‘yes, you can borrow my necklace – any chance of a few of your chickens’ eggs?

 

• Flattery and/or distraction can work e.g ‘well it’s true that you’d look great in my new dress, but that blue Jigsaw one of yours really makes you look fantastic – have you thought about wearing that?’ or ‘you know, rather annoyingly, that dress is on sale now at Whistles. As you like it so much, why don’t you get one too, so long as we promise not to wear it to the same party…’

 

• Finally, if all else fails, a white lie to wriggle out of a lend is better than complying under pressure and then carrying a big grudge. But do work on becoming more assertive – the more you flex that muscle the stronger it gets and the easier it is to say no confidently and with a clear conscience.

 

Lenten leanings

A good few years ago, I had the pleasure of teaching English to a really motivated and positive Chinese student. This young man was a lover of new words and their nuances as well as the customs and general quirks of his new surroundings.

It was Shrove Tuesday and he came in, full of wonder and questions about pancakes. The discussion led on to Lent and its religious meaning and tradition of giving something up for the 40 day period and how it was commonplace to do this, even in the most secular circles.

Now, this student was almost surgically attached to his electronic Chinese-English dictionary, which he insisted on consulting, even when having apparently understood the explanation of new words. It had become a joke between us that he was addicted to his dictionary, so I was surprised and delighted when he announced that he would give up using it in lessons for Lent. He promptly placed the dictionary in his bag and we got on with the rest of our lesson.

A couple of days later, I met up with a good friend for lunch. He happens to be an eminent clergyman who sits on the Bishops Council (as well as a very good conversationalist with an unrivalled stock of rude jokes). We chatted away as we ate lunch, which culminated in two large slices of a decadent chocolate cake. As we were finishing the last mouthfuls of the cake, I laughingly confessed that I’d given up chocolate for Lent, to which he replied that he had too and we had a conspiratorial giggle.

After lunch, I had another lesson with my Chinese student. At one point, I was struggling to come up with an understandable explanation of a tricky word he’d come across, so I suggested he look it up in his dictionary. He looked at me, rather puzzled, and simply said ‘but I’ve given up using the dictionary for Lent’. The taste of the chocolate cake was still in my mouth.

It really struck me that day that the person with the least obvious  ‘investment’ in the Lenten tradition was the one who was the most committed. This isn’t meant to be a post about austerity or religious values – it’s about commitment to a decision and making it yours. My reasons for giving something up for Lent were vaguely churchy, but mostly because people had asked me what I was going to give up for Lent this year so I picked one of the usuals. My friend had more religious reasons, but still the ‘giving up’ is more a tradition than an obligation within the Church. Both of us had decided to give something up in an ‘I suppose I should’ sort of a way. In short, we were obviously not committed!

My student had decided to give up using his dictionary, despite being non-Christian and not having been brought up in a Christian-ised secular society which observes the pancakes-and-giving-something-up tradition. There was no ‘should’ with him – he made his decision out of a desire to embrace the culture in his host country. He wanted to do it.

Sometimes, the very fact you have done something before, maybe time and again, seems like a reason to do it again. Look at your decision to do something – be it giving something up for Lent, embarking on a new exercise regime or going for a promotion – and take a fresh angle on it. Are there any ‘shoulds’ in play here? Where do they come from? What would make you genuinely want to take this action? Find your motivation – whatever it may be – and really feel it before committing. Watch your results change!

Having trouble committing to something? Call me!

dance more!

At this time of year, there’s always a slew of magazine articles, telly programmes and the like, telling people how to change their lives in big or small ways – giving up smoking, losing weight, getting more exercise or whatever. All very admirable, but the ‘joke’ is that many of these good intentions have flown out of the window by about January 3rd, leaving the resolver frustrated and disappointed in themselves.

Some of the better articles or programmes of the ‘Happy New You’ ilk will include advice on how to make these resolutions stick, and often quote life coaches (indeed, I have contributed to this sort of article for the Brighton Argus and the TES in the past), giving tips on how to make your goals SMART, and how to make sure they’re in line with your values etc. As a coach, I can and I do help people with their goals in this way, and if you do want help and support with changing your life, please contact me.

I was having a conversation with my six-year-old daughter yesterday about New Year’s resolutions and what they were, and I asked her what she would resolve for 2009. We had a piece of paper we were doodling on, and she immediately wrote on it ‘dance more’.

She has recently started a dance class after school and is very enthusiastic about it, so that’s what she had in mind, but it struck me that it would be a wonderful metaphor for how I’d like to live my life in 2009. There’s nothing specific, measurable or time-bound about it, and as a goal it’s about as nebulous as you can get, but ‘dance more’ has really stuck with me in the last 24 hours as a wonderfully freeing philosophy for life, and it’s made it to the front of my diary for the New Year – to remind me I’m going to take 2009 by the hand and lead it in my own dance.

Where could you dance more with your life? What would that be like? Will your dance be a sexy salsa, a brooding tango or will you hop balletically towards the spring? Email me – I’d love to know!

Which way are you heading today?

which way are you heading today?

 I love this picture!  It was taken when we were staying at the fantastically-named Sandy Balls holiday resort, by the New Forest.  

I have it as the wallpaper on my laptop to remind me to make the decision every day as to which way I’m choosing to go – are actions such as procrastination, avoidance, or not looking after myself taking me to Stuckton, or am I ‘in flow’, creative, productive and heading for Blissford?

Which way are you pointing right now?

Fair trade foodie

We’re at the end of Fair Trade Fortnight and you could be forgiven for thinking that it never happened. The shops are stuffed to the ceilings with over-priced, over-packaged Easter eggs made with cocoa that the food giants have paid a pittance to the growers for in order to fatten our waistlines and their profit margins.

In Worthing, we’re fortunate to have two supermarkets nearby who actively promote fair trade (Co-op and Waitrose) so that we have a real ethical choice available to us. I’m now happy that the enormous Co-op Fair Trade egg I’ve bought for Emika will produce the inevitable sugar high and chocolatey handprints throughout the house but won’t have the bitter taste of injustice.

Spare a thought for those West African farmers, squeezed into poverty by the food giants. Fairly traded tea, coffee and chocolate are widely available now, as well as sugar, wine, bananas and a growing range of fruit. If you have a Co-op nearby, take advantage of the Fair Trade choice available to you. If you don’t, lobby your local supermarket into action. You can make a difference!