On Being a Grown Up

The other day (probably shortly after being berated for some misdemeanour, I can’t quite remember), my nine year old daughter Emika grumped, “I wish I was a grown up.”

Being not only a grown-up, but a pedantic grown-up, it took me until halfway through my five minute lecture on the correct use of the subjunctive (‘I wish I WERE…’) to think to ask her WHY she so aspired to adulthood.

“Because grown-ups can do anything they want!” she harrumphed.

Now, being more in harassed mummy mode than sage life coach mode at the time (yes, it does happen now and again), I confess that my initial reaction was to harrumph back about paying bills, shouldering responsibilities and the like. However, once we had sat down on a bench together, ice creams in hand, it occurred to me that she was right:

GROWN UPS CAN DO ANYTHING THEY WANT.

Think about that for a moment. Maybe view your life from the eyes of a child. You can drive a car! Stay up past 8 o’clock! Go out on your own! Eat chocolate whenever you want! You can do whatever you want, whenever you want. How does it feel? Free? But actually quite scary? For most people, there’s quite a lot of fear attached to the concept of freedom, however attractive it seems on first consideration.

And here’s how we tend to deal with that fear as grown-ups: we build ourselves cages of rules and beliefs and we let our self-made cages restrict our freedom so that it feels more manageable.

Because here’s the deal – we don’t HAVE to get up and go to work, pay the bills, take the dog for a walk or do the washing up. Sure, there are consequences to our actions (or inactions), but we can choose to face them. Obviously, the choice to drive whilst drunk and the choice to leave the washing up undone are going to incur consequences vastly different in severity, but the point is the same – we CHOOSE to do or not do all the time, every day. The choice may be an obvious one, but it is still a choice.

We can choose to do anything we want.

Of course, I’m not advocating that everyone starts breaking the law, causing others to suffer or making reckless, unsustainable changes to their lives. There are workaday things which need to be done in order to oil the wheels of our bigger dreams, and these bigger dreams are the sort of positive consequences it’s exciting to make our choices towards.

So, starting today, make a conscious choice out of the things you ‘have to’ do. CHOOSE to get up, to take the dog out, to wash the dishes. Liberate yourself from the ‘have-tos’ and enjoy the tantalising freedom of choosing what to do from moment to moment, knowing you’re on your way to fulfilling your bigger dreams. Have fun, then dare to make your choices more audacious. Choose to speak your mind instead of quietly agreeing with the boss at your next meeting, choose to strike out on your own, to do that course you’ve always wanted to, to ask that person out… Break out of your cage of limitations.

Because hey, we’re grown-ups and we can do anything we want. And that includes the washing up.

Ready to choose coaching? Email me today (claire@straightforwardcoaching.com) and let’s start a conversation. September sessions are booking up now – will you choose to take the leap and book one for yourself?

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You’ve achieved world domination (mwoo ha ha ha!) – what next?

I watched a fantastic film with my kids the other day called ‘Megamind’. In it, the dastardly (but rather ineffective) eponymous villain finally achieves his goal of ridding the world of his nemesis, the annoyingly perfect Metroman. After getting over the shock, then a few days of rejoicing by generally menacing the populace and bringing the city to its knees, Megamind realises that he’s bored and unfulfilled now that he doesn’t have Metroman to battle, and he sets about creating a new arch enemy for himself.

This got me thinking about what can happen when we’ve made our dreams come true, especially the big ones that we’ve worked towards for a long time. There can sometimes be a sense of emptiness afterwards if there is nothing further to strive for (you’ve run the marathon now), or no ‘nemesis’ to battle against (the clutter is finally cleared). So, you’re walking into the sunset, hand in hand with Prince(ss) Charming and the credits are rolling – but what next?

Imagine yourself at that point of reaching your target, of ‘getting there’.  What will that be like? How will you know you’re there? How will you feel? What will you see and hear?

From that happy vantage, look to the future. What’s possible now? What do you WANT to do? Notice the feelings that bubble up, positive or negative. If you’re excited and inspired, fantastic – jot down some ideas for further projects beyond your current big goal. No time for maniacal cackling and then slumping when you get there – raise a glass and then get on to your next exciting thing.

How about if the feelings aren’t so positive? If, frankly, you’re feeling a bit freaked out?

Feelings are a great compass for whether we’re going in the direction of our own values or someone else’s, and whether we’ve got our sights set on the ‘right’ destination in the first place. And here’s the thing – sometimes, we distract ourselves with a goal that’s actually enabling us to avoid the scary leap of doing what we actually REALLY dream of. It’s a circuitous detour which can send our compass haywire.

Do you keep trying to lose some weight, get into/out of a relationship, clear the clutter, get a better job, clear the city of your nemesis…? That’s your goal but you never – quite – get there? You know that you’ll be capable of anything when you succeed, but first you’ve just got to keep… on… trying… THEN you’ll get on with your proper, brilliant life.

Sound familiar?

It could be that you’re using your goals to stay ‘small’ and safe. That, by waiting until you’ve lost a stone before you go and conquer the world, you’re actually just procrastinating. And that’s possibly why it’s taking you just so long.

What do you REALLY dream of? If you woke up tomorrow and all the distractions and excuses were gone, what would you do? Get inventive. Can you REALLY not start that today? Does it REALLY require you to be living in a perfectly tidy home first? Get out of your own way and go for your big dreams – and you might just find that Metroman disappears quietly as part of the journey, along with the clutter, the weight and all the other excuses. And trust your compass! You don’t need to create yourself a new nemesis to battle against, but to become who you are, magnificently, in your full power.

(Megamind does just this, by the way – but I don’t want to spoil it, so you’ll have to watch it yourself to find out how.)

Still scared? Not sure where to start? Give me a call!

Some food for your relocation thoughts

During a session the other day, one of my clients was talking about her nagging temptation not to follow a relocation dream because of the fear of everything familiar changing.

This reminded me of a passage I’d recently re-read in Mark Forster’s excellent book Get Everything Done and Still have Time to Play, which talks about change being inevitable. In it, he talks about inaction being just as much a catalyst to change as action, and he gives the example of dirty dishes: if we do the washing up soon after eating, by our action we transform the dishes into clean, usable items for the next meal; however, if we choose not to do the washing up, our inaction also changes the state of the dishes and they become encrusted and increasingly difficult to get clean.

What is your inaction potentially costing you?

Which changes do you dread and which do you welcome?

If you choose to stay where you are, is there a way of turning that decision into a positive action rather than a fearful inaction? What needs to change?