On keys, doors and opportunities…

My ten year old daughter has just started walking to and from school by herself. This is a real nail-biter for me but, two weeks in, I’m getting much better at not rehearsing all potential disaster in my head as she’s en route, and I feel proud that I can trust her to handle this responsibility.

The decision to let her go was mostly based on my faith in her generally being sensible and trustworthy. But it was a decision I was unlikely to have taken without her having petitioned for it, persuading me that she was ready and equipped to go out into the world without a chaperone (gulp!)

We marked the occasion by getting her her own key cut, and it struck me that not only can she open our front door now, but also her new-found independence will be the key that opens metaphorical doors for her too.

But what about her feelings on this? After the success of her campaign for freedom, she needed to believe her own hype and actually walk to school by herself. She knew she could do it, as I knew she could do it, but those first few days were pretty scary for the both of us. Now that she’s done it several times, her confidence has grown considerably (and I’m much less jittery around 3 o’clock!)

And isn’t this the case in our lives as adults too? So often, we see a next step – maybe a promotion we want to apply for or a big client we want to work with – and, after a deep breath, we set about selling our talents and doing a pretty neat PR job on ourselves. What we are saying is true, of course, but often there is doubt and fear there too which we conveniently edit out when faced with a panel of interviewers. When we have succeeded in convincing our audience of our positive qualities, we have to start convincing ourselves too. And that starts with proving it by getting on with the job in hand. Then we grow into our new roles and prove ourselves worthy of our ‘new keys’.

Seeing an opportunity outside of our comfort zones and going for it is how growth happens. Sure, it’s sometimes scary having the responsibility of ‘new keys’, but stepping out into a bigger role is great for self-esteem and the esteem that others hold us in. Not only that, but our ‘new keys’ open up a myriad doors that can take us further.

Speaking of which, my daughter is now pushing for further freedom. We’ll have to see about that, but one thing is certain – she’s proved herself worthy of this new responsibility, both to herself and to us as her parents, and that has been a real shift for all of us. She has the key now, and she can open the front door. But her new independence will be the key that will open doors of opportunity for her future.

What’s your next challenge? Want some help in going for it? What keys will it give you and what doors might they unlock? Contact me and let’s plan your next move.

01903 244747 claire@straightforwardcoaching.com

How to Move On(wards and Upwards!)

Another Top Sante article, another BIG topic, and another request for coachy advice from yours truly very gratefully received! This article was published in the September 2011 issue of the magazine and was
entitled ‘How to Move on from Absolutely Anything’, a title I thought
particularly fitting for a blog named ‘Onwards and Upwards’, so I thought I’d share my unedited ideas on the subject for you lovely blog readers.

The subheading ran ‘A close bereavement, a broken relationship or a sudden redundancy – no matter how great the loss, you can get through it. Here’s how…’ (See what I mean?! There are BOOKS written on this stuff, and they still manage to cover the basics in 2 pages. You have to hand it to them!) With that rubric in mind, here’s my advice:

• Take responsibility. It’s very easy to look around for someone or something to blame when disaster strikes, but ultimately that’s just a waste of energy and time, and it gives away your power (not to  mention your sense of being able to take charge of things). Even if someone else IS responsible for the situation you find yourself in, YOU are responsible for how YOU feel about it and what choices YOU make from that point on. Channel your energy away from negative feelings towards taking positive action to make the best move forward.
• Give yourself some perspective. 2 clichés spring to mind here: ‘time is a great healer’ and ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’. You probably know from experience that these are true, but it can be very difficult getting a sense of perspective when you are smack bang in the middle of a crisis. One way to see your situation through new eyes is to write yourself a letter from the future. Date it a year or more from now and write it as the successful future you. In it, tell the you that’s in crisis how different and wonderful your life is going to be and detail all the fantastic positive spin offs that happened as a result of this perceived calamity. Looking ‘back’ on your situation will boost your morale and remind you that happier times WILL be ahead. If that doesn’t appeal, another way to get a different perspective is to write a letter to a much-loved friend, imagining they’re in the same situation as you and giving your best advice and encouragement.
• Allow yourself to feel rubbish for a while. I know this seems very un-coachy, but when bad stuff happens, it’s normal to feel upset, and putting yourself under more pressure to cheer up or put on a brave
  face sometimes adds to the hurt. Give yourself some grieving time when you allow yourself to cry, rant and rave. Vent your feelings to a close friend or in a journal. Also, give yourself the ‘Fluffy Slipper Camp’ treatment – this is the polar opposite of Boot Camp. Set aside an evening, day or weekend and spoil yourself with hot chocolate, your favourite DVD boxset and an early night or two. This is NOT the same as ‘wallowing in it’. Set yourself a date to come back out and join the rest of the world with a smile, but make sure you still allow some time every day to journal or talk through your sadder thoughts until they subside.
• Take baby steps. When a crisis hits, the ‘to-do’ list it creates can seem overwhelming, especially when you’re reeling emotionally. Remember you don’t have to do it all in one go. Each day, take a small action towards rebuilding your life the way you want it to be. It could be as simple as looking at the jobs page in the local newspaper or  meeting up for a coffee with one of the mums from the school gate. Write down what you did – aim for one a day (however small) – and celebrate it. You’re paving the way to your new future!
• Surround yourself with support. When you’re going through a difficult time, it’s great to enlist the help of a support group or online forum where you can meet lots of other people in the same boat. These kinds of support are wonderful in that they are specific to your problem so the others taking part have empathy and can sometimes mentor you through with ‘been there, done that’ good advice. They also give you the opportunity to support others, giving you the chance to get that change of perspective discussed above. A note of caution, however – don’t immerse yourself completely in that world or you could find yourself out of touch with everyone and everything else. Balance is key.

Do you need some extra support in moving on from something? Give me a call on 01903 244747 or drop me an email (claire(at)straightforwardcoaching(dot)com) and let’s have a chat to see whether coaching might help you.

On Being a Grown Up

The other day (probably shortly after being berated for some misdemeanour, I can’t quite remember), my nine year old daughter Emika grumped, “I wish I was a grown up.”

Being not only a grown-up, but a pedantic grown-up, it took me until halfway through my five minute lecture on the correct use of the subjunctive (‘I wish I WERE…’) to think to ask her WHY she so aspired to adulthood.

“Because grown-ups can do anything they want!” she harrumphed.

Now, being more in harassed mummy mode than sage life coach mode at the time (yes, it does happen now and again), I confess that my initial reaction was to harrumph back about paying bills, shouldering responsibilities and the like. However, once we had sat down on a bench together, ice creams in hand, it occurred to me that she was right:

GROWN UPS CAN DO ANYTHING THEY WANT.

Think about that for a moment. Maybe view your life from the eyes of a child. You can drive a car! Stay up past 8 o’clock! Go out on your own! Eat chocolate whenever you want! You can do whatever you want, whenever you want. How does it feel? Free? But actually quite scary? For most people, there’s quite a lot of fear attached to the concept of freedom, however attractive it seems on first consideration.

And here’s how we tend to deal with that fear as grown-ups: we build ourselves cages of rules and beliefs and we let our self-made cages restrict our freedom so that it feels more manageable.

Because here’s the deal – we don’t HAVE to get up and go to work, pay the bills, take the dog for a walk or do the washing up. Sure, there are consequences to our actions (or inactions), but we can choose to face them. Obviously, the choice to drive whilst drunk and the choice to leave the washing up undone are going to incur consequences vastly different in severity, but the point is the same – we CHOOSE to do or not do all the time, every day. The choice may be an obvious one, but it is still a choice.

We can choose to do anything we want.

Of course, I’m not advocating that everyone starts breaking the law, causing others to suffer or making reckless, unsustainable changes to their lives. There are workaday things which need to be done in order to oil the wheels of our bigger dreams, and these bigger dreams are the sort of positive consequences it’s exciting to make our choices towards.

So, starting today, make a conscious choice out of the things you ‘have to’ do. CHOOSE to get up, to take the dog out, to wash the dishes. Liberate yourself from the ‘have-tos’ and enjoy the tantalising freedom of choosing what to do from moment to moment, knowing you’re on your way to fulfilling your bigger dreams. Have fun, then dare to make your choices more audacious. Choose to speak your mind instead of quietly agreeing with the boss at your next meeting, choose to strike out on your own, to do that course you’ve always wanted to, to ask that person out… Break out of your cage of limitations.

Because hey, we’re grown-ups and we can do anything we want. And that includes the washing up.

Ready to choose coaching? Email me today (claire@straightforwardcoaching.com) and let’s start a conversation. September sessions are booking up now – will you choose to take the leap and book one for yourself?

And how about choosing to join my mailing list to get this blog and assorted wonderfulness direct to your inbox on a regular (but not annoyingly so) basis? Sign up here…

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You’ve achieved world domination (mwoo ha ha ha!) – what next?

I watched a fantastic film with my kids the other day called ‘Megamind’. In it, the dastardly (but rather ineffective) eponymous villain finally achieves his goal of ridding the world of his nemesis, the annoyingly perfect Metroman. After getting over the shock, then a few days of rejoicing by generally menacing the populace and bringing the city to its knees, Megamind realises that he’s bored and unfulfilled now that he doesn’t have Metroman to battle, and he sets about creating a new arch enemy for himself.

This got me thinking about what can happen when we’ve made our dreams come true, especially the big ones that we’ve worked towards for a long time. There can sometimes be a sense of emptiness afterwards if there is nothing further to strive for (you’ve run the marathon now), or no ‘nemesis’ to battle against (the clutter is finally cleared). So, you’re walking into the sunset, hand in hand with Prince(ss) Charming and the credits are rolling – but what next?

Imagine yourself at that point of reaching your target, of ‘getting there’.  What will that be like? How will you know you’re there? How will you feel? What will you see and hear?

From that happy vantage, look to the future. What’s possible now? What do you WANT to do? Notice the feelings that bubble up, positive or negative. If you’re excited and inspired, fantastic – jot down some ideas for further projects beyond your current big goal. No time for maniacal cackling and then slumping when you get there – raise a glass and then get on to your next exciting thing.

How about if the feelings aren’t so positive? If, frankly, you’re feeling a bit freaked out?

Feelings are a great compass for whether we’re going in the direction of our own values or someone else’s, and whether we’ve got our sights set on the ‘right’ destination in the first place. And here’s the thing – sometimes, we distract ourselves with a goal that’s actually enabling us to avoid the scary leap of doing what we actually REALLY dream of. It’s a circuitous detour which can send our compass haywire.

Do you keep trying to lose some weight, get into/out of a relationship, clear the clutter, get a better job, clear the city of your nemesis…? That’s your goal but you never – quite – get there? You know that you’ll be capable of anything when you succeed, but first you’ve just got to keep… on… trying… THEN you’ll get on with your proper, brilliant life.

Sound familiar?

It could be that you’re using your goals to stay ‘small’ and safe. That, by waiting until you’ve lost a stone before you go and conquer the world, you’re actually just procrastinating. And that’s possibly why it’s taking you just so long.

What do you REALLY dream of? If you woke up tomorrow and all the distractions and excuses were gone, what would you do? Get inventive. Can you REALLY not start that today? Does it REALLY require you to be living in a perfectly tidy home first? Get out of your own way and go for your big dreams – and you might just find that Metroman disappears quietly as part of the journey, along with the clutter, the weight and all the other excuses. And trust your compass! You don’t need to create yourself a new nemesis to battle against, but to become who you are, magnificently, in your full power.

(Megamind does just this, by the way – but I don’t want to spoil it, so you’ll have to watch it yourself to find out how.)

Still scared? Not sure where to start? Give me a call!

Which way are you heading today?

which way are you heading today?

 I love this picture!  It was taken when we were staying at the fantastically-named Sandy Balls holiday resort, by the New Forest.  

I have it as the wallpaper on my laptop to remind me to make the decision every day as to which way I’m choosing to go – are actions such as procrastination, avoidance, or not looking after myself taking me to Stuckton, or am I ‘in flow’, creative, productive and heading for Blissford?

Which way are you pointing right now?

Relocation : what’s important to you?

The exercise in the previous post (eco-friendly coaching) is perfect for people considering moving. However, if you are at the stage of just considering whether relocation is for you, you might find the following exercise a little more manageable. The idea is to take notice of what is important to you in your daily life (some things get into such a routine that we can take them for granted until they are no longer available to us) so that you have clear criteria for what you need in your new location. Every day for a week, note down what you did, what you thought about it and what, if anything, you would like to change about it. Here are some examples:

Sunday: To church. I love being part of a real community. I wish there were more opportunities to mix with such a wide variety of people in other contexts.

Wednesday: At the gym. A fab step aerobics class! Think I’d go mad if I didn’t have this facility so close.

Thursday: Took the dog for a walk. Trudging round the block. It would be great if there were somewhere close I could take him off the lead and let him run.

Write down all your thoughts as they occur to you – don’t edit them. Highlight anything that comes up that you consider to be key to your identity.

Your next task is this: using your notes you have already made and adding anything else that occurs to you, make a list of what is really important to you (as an individual, couple or family group) about where you live now. When you have done that, highlight, underline or asterisk those things on the list that are absolutely necessary for you to keep your identity. Here is an example:

• garden or private outdoor space
• opportunities for work
• broadband internet access
• gym
• place of worship
• good schools
• open spaces, etc., etc.

If you know where you want to relocate to, check what’s important to you against what is there and consider what you will do in the event of any gaps. If you are still contemplating a move, keep this checklist to hand whenever you are considering a potential location.

Eco-friendly coaching

Ecology has always been a subject close to my heart. Last month, I touched upon our global responsibility for the future of our planet. As I understand it, this means making sure that our individual actions, indeed our very existence, impact as little as is practically possible on the environment. Simple things, such as using eco- friendly washing products, not taking the car on short trips, recycling and composting our waste and picking up litter are all ways we can help to reduce our carbon footprint (use the CAT calculator to calculate yours).

Last week, on my NLP Practitioner’s training, I learned a new slant on the definition for the word ecology. In NLP, ecology is the study of consequences – the results of any change that occurs. Just as we (hopefully!) are concerned about the effects of our actions on the natural environment, we should also look at the effects of our actions and decisions on our social environment and within ourselves.

Making decisions based on personal or social ecology can sometimes be obvious: a sporty two-seater won’t work as a family car, however sexy it looks in the showroom. Not every decision is so clear-cut though. I often hear clients struggling with a goal they have set themselves which may look good on paper but, after a bit of digging, turns out to be incongruent with their values or beliefs. In short, their goal is not ecological for them.

If you find yourself struggling to manifest a goal you have set yourself, try this exercise* to discover the hidden fears, beliefs and values that might be holding you back: write down all the reasons why you DON’T want that goal in your life. Let your darkest thoughts surrounding your goal reveal themselves on paper and keep writing until you can’t come up with any more. These are some of the fears, beliefs and consequences surrounding your goal or decision and they might include the one(s) that are holding you back. Once they are all out in the open, you may find some issues you need to work through before you are ready to achieve your target. Reframing or redefining your goal to address the conflicting value or belief could also work to integrate the goal with your personal ecology. Of course, working with me as your coach and NLP practitioner would help you enormously here, but you knew that already, didn’t you? 😉

*with thanks to Lisa Wynn and associates

Some food for your relocation thoughts

During a session the other day, one of my clients was talking about her nagging temptation not to follow a relocation dream because of the fear of everything familiar changing.

This reminded me of a passage I’d recently re-read in Mark Forster’s excellent book Get Everything Done and Still have Time to Play, which talks about change being inevitable. In it, he talks about inaction being just as much a catalyst to change as action, and he gives the example of dirty dishes: if we do the washing up soon after eating, by our action we transform the dishes into clean, usable items for the next meal; however, if we choose not to do the washing up, our inaction also changes the state of the dishes and they become encrusted and increasingly difficult to get clean.

What is your inaction potentially costing you?

Which changes do you dread and which do you welcome?

If you choose to stay where you are, is there a way of turning that decision into a positive action rather than a fearful inaction? What needs to change?