Lenten leanings

A good few years ago, I had the pleasure of teaching English to a really motivated and positive Chinese student. This young man was a lover of new words and their nuances as well as the customs and general quirks of his new surroundings.

It was Shrove Tuesday and he came in, full of wonder and questions about pancakes. The discussion led on to Lent and its religious meaning and tradition of giving something up for the 40 day period and how it was commonplace to do this, even in the most secular circles.

Now, this student was almost surgically attached to his electronic Chinese-English dictionary, which he insisted on consulting, even when having apparently understood the explanation of new words. It had become a joke between us that he was addicted to his dictionary, so I was surprised and delighted when he announced that he would give up using it in lessons for Lent. He promptly placed the dictionary in his bag and we got on with the rest of our lesson.

A couple of days later, I met up with a good friend for lunch. He happens to be an eminent clergyman who sits on the Bishops Council (as well as a very good conversationalist with an unrivalled stock of rude jokes). We chatted away as we ate lunch, which culminated in two large slices of a decadent chocolate cake. As we were finishing the last mouthfuls of the cake, I laughingly confessed that I’d given up chocolate for Lent, to which he replied that he had too and we had a conspiratorial giggle.

After lunch, I had another lesson with my Chinese student. At one point, I was struggling to come up with an understandable explanation of a tricky word he’d come across, so I suggested he look it up in his dictionary. He looked at me, rather puzzled, and simply said ‘but I’ve given up using the dictionary for Lent’. The taste of the chocolate cake was still in my mouth.

It really struck me that day that the person with the least obvious  ’investment’ in the Lenten tradition was the one who was the most committed. This isn’t meant to be a post about austerity or religious values - it’s about commitment to a decision and making it yours. My reasons for giving something up for Lent were vaguely churchy, but mostly because people had asked me what I was going to give up for Lent this year so I picked one of the usuals. My friend had more religious reasons, but still the ‘giving up’ is more a tradition than an obligation within the Church. Both of us had decided to give something up in an ‘I suppose I should’ sort of a way. In short, we were obviously not committed!

My student had decided to give up using his dictionary, despite being non-Christian and not having been brought up in a Christian-ised secular society which observes the pancakes-and-giving-something-up tradition. There was no ’should’ with him – he made his decision out of a desire to embrace the culture in his host country. He wanted to do it.

Sometimes, the very fact you have done something before, maybe time and again, seems like a reason to do it again. Look at your decision to do something – be it giving something up for Lent, embarking on a new exercise regime or going for a promotion - and take a fresh angle on it. Are there any ’shoulds’ in play here? Where do they come from? What would make you genuinely want to take this action? Find your motivation – whatever it may be – and really feel it before committing. Watch your results change!

Having trouble committing to something? Call me!

Which way are you heading today?

which way are you heading today?

 I love this picture!  It was taken when we were staying at the fantastically-named Sandy Balls holiday resort, by the New Forest.  

I have it as the wallpaper on my laptop to remind me to make the decision every day as to which way I’m choosing to go – are actions such as procrastination, avoidance, or not looking after myself taking me to Stuckton, or am I ‘in flow’, creative, productive and heading for Blissford?

Which way are you pointing right now?

Making space for spring

It’s Easter, and whether you are Christian or not, it’s a time of new life and awakening. Trees are laden with blossom, there are lambs in the fields, grass verges are resplendent in purple and yellow, our daughter is delighting in the caterpillars that have appeared and there’s a new mildness in the air.

This year, spring seems to have arrived very quickly. Only last month, the snow had taken us southerners by surprise. And yet, last weekend, we were treated to temperatures of 20 degrees plus. Inspired by the warm weather, my husband took to the garden. A few hours later, having created bags and bags full of garden waste (his forte), he drove to the council dump only to find that the world and his wife had obviously had the same idea – there was a queue 20 cars long!

Funny how spring triggers an instinctive urge to clear out. Old things, no longer serving any use, have to make way, clearing a space for potential to manifest itself. This is true on many levels, from detoxing our diets to clearing out the loft. Once we have freed ourselves from the anchors of surplus possessions, commitments, weight, weeds(!), or whatever it is, we allow the potential in.

The space we create is magic. Some people are frightened of it and immediately plug the gap with more possessions, or busy-up their time. The real art is to sit in the space and be open to what happens.

My challenge to you this month is to clear some space in your life in as many or as few areas as you feel comfortable. This could be from taking a bag of old clothes to the charity shop, to a complete overhaul of every aspect of your life. Sit with it. Be comfortable in it. See what happens. Let me know how you get on.

Relocation : what’s important to you?

The exercise in the previous post (eco-friendly coaching) is perfect for people considering moving. However, if you are at the stage of just considering whether relocation is for you, you might find the following exercise a little more manageable. The idea is to take notice of what is important to you in your daily life (some things get into such a routine that we can take them for granted until they are no longer available to us) so that you have clear criteria for what you need in your new location. Every day for a week, note down what you did, what you thought about it and what, if anything, you would like to change about it. Here are some examples:

Sunday: To church. I love being part of a real community. I wish there were more opportunities to mix with such a wide variety of people in other contexts.

Wednesday: At the gym. A fab step aerobics class! Think I’d go mad if I didn’t have this facility so close.

Thursday: Took the dog for a walk. Trudging round the block. It would be great if there were somewhere close I could take him off the lead and let him run.

Write down all your thoughts as they occur to you – don’t edit them. Highlight anything that comes up that you consider to be key to your identity.

Your next task is this: using your notes you have already made and adding anything else that occurs to you, make a list of what is really important to you (as an individual, couple or family group) about where you live now. When you have done that, highlight, underline or asterisk those things on the list that are absolutely necessary for you to keep your identity. Here is an example:

• garden or private outdoor space
• opportunities for work
• broadband internet access
• gym
• place of worship
• good schools
• open spaces, etc., etc.

If you know where you want to relocate to, check what’s important to you against what is there and consider what you will do in the event of any gaps. If you are still contemplating a move, keep this checklist to hand whenever you are considering a potential location.

Eco-friendly coaching

Ecology has always been a subject close to my heart. Last month, I touched upon our global responsibility for the future of our planet. As I understand it, this means making sure that our individual actions, indeed our very existence, impact as little as is practically possible on the environment. Simple things, such as using eco- friendly washing products, not taking the car on short trips, recycling and composting our waste and picking up litter are all ways we can help to reduce our carbon footprint (use the CAT calculator to calculate yours).

Last week, on my NLP Practitioner’s training, I learned a new slant on the definition for the word ecology. In NLP, ecology is the study of consequences – the results of any change that occurs. Just as we (hopefully!) are concerned about the effects of our actions on the natural environment, we should also look at the effects of our actions and decisions on our social environment and within ourselves.

Making decisions based on personal or social ecology can sometimes be obvious: a sporty two-seater won’t work as a family car, however sexy it looks in the showroom. Not every decision is so clear-cut though. I often hear clients struggling with a goal they have set themselves which may look good on paper but, after a bit of digging, turns out to be incongruent with their values or beliefs. In short, their goal is not ecological for them.

If you find yourself struggling to manifest a goal you have set yourself, try this exercise* to discover the hidden fears, beliefs and values that might be holding you back: write down all the reasons why you DON’T want that goal in your life. Let your darkest thoughts surrounding your goal reveal themselves on paper and keep writing until you can’t come up with any more. These are some of the fears, beliefs and consequences surrounding your goal or decision and they might include the one(s) that are holding you back. Once they are all out in the open, you may find some issues you need to work through before you are ready to achieve your target. Reframing or redefining your goal to address the conflicting value or belief could also work to integrate the goal with your personal ecology. Of course, working with me as your coach and NLP practitioner would help you enormously here, but you knew that already, didn’t you?

*with thanks to Lisa Wynn and associates

It’s a date!

Very recently I started coaching a new client who had been thinking of moving to France for a number of years but had never done much about it because the processes involved had seemed so complicated that she didn’t know where to start. So she didn’t.

This is a situation that I come across with a lot of clients who are considering relocation. Once we have made a start on chunking the enormous task down into manageable steps, one of the first things that I normally ask people in this position to do is to set themselves a moving date (that’s date, not year, season or month!) and write it in their diary or on their calendar.

I should stress that this date is not intended to be a millstone round the neck or something to get hugely stressed about, but fixing a realistic date really helps to focus on what needs to be done between now and then. If necessary, it can be changed, but it needs to be taken seriously enough to spur you into action. Once you know your moving date, you can start to schedule other things into your diary relating to your move: the date you will hand your notice in, the date you will start your language lessons, the date you will put your property on the market, etc.

Having the deadline of a moving date drastically reduces procrastination on all the minutiae of moving details that otherwise can be dragged out for months or years – or even not started at all. In the spirit of my piece above, setting a moving date encourages you to seize the day so you don’t regret not relocating years down the line whilst sitting in your rocking chair. Give it a try!

Some food for your relocation thoughts

During a session the other day, one of my clients was talking about her nagging temptation not to follow a relocation dream because of the fear of everything familiar changing.

This reminded me of a passage I’d recently re-read in Mark Forster’s excellent book Get Everything Done and Still have Time to Play, which talks about change being inevitable. In it, he talks about inaction being just as much a catalyst to change as action, and he gives the example of dirty dishes: if we do the washing up soon after eating, by our action we transform the dishes into clean, usable items for the next meal; however, if we choose not to do the washing up, our inaction also changes the state of the dishes and they become encrusted and increasingly difficult to get clean.

What is your inaction potentially costing you?

Which changes do you dread and which do you welcome?

If you choose to stay where you are, is there a way of turning that decision into a positive action rather than a fearful inaction? What needs to change?